


Secret Santa

by howardently



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-23
Updated: 2016-12-23
Packaged: 2018-09-11 08:39:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8972380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howardently/pseuds/howardently
Summary: Merry Christmas, Lil! Happy Chanukah, Shiri! This fic is my gift to you! (Or at least the part of my gift that you’ll actually get this year, since I am seriously the world’s worst post-office-procrastinator.) The two of you are such an enormous gift, and I am so incredibly thankful for the hilarity and encouragement and hours of talking about anything and everything. I love you guys. Merry Christmas!P.S. It was very hard to to keep this a secret and write without the hand-holding and amazing encouragement of Lil, beta extraordinaire. So please forgive typos and insane word repetitions.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [madfatty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/madfatty/gifts), [WitchStuff](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WitchStuff/gifts).



> Merry Christmas, Lil! Happy Chanukah, Shiri! This fic is my gift to you! (Or at least the part of my gift that you’ll actually get this year, since I am seriously the world’s worst post-office-procrastinator.) The two of you are such an enormous gift, and I am so incredibly thankful for the hilarity and encouragement and hours of talking about anything and everything. I love you guys. Merry Christmas!
> 
> P.S. It was very hard to to keep this a secret and write without the hand-holding and amazing encouragement of Lil, beta extraordinaire. So please forgive typos and insane word repetitions.

The girls are different in the winter. The same too, some things don’t change. But it’s at different depths maybe, like the drop in temperature has shifted the air around them. They are different shades of the same hue.

He’s on his fourth beer, even as early as it is. School’s off tomorrow though, and they’re all together tonight, and it feels good to sit here and smoke and drink and think these kinds of sideways thoughts. There’s a satisfaction to them, a rightness.

Izzy’s settled into a warm, velvety burgundy instead of her usual manic orange. She’s wearing a pair of antlers and a strand of blinking lights around her neck, but instead of flitting, she glides. Her eyes sparkle over the top of her drink, and she meets Chop blow for blow now, bolder than she used to be. Easier, even. He’s good for her.

Chloe’s clear sky blue has darkened into a stormy slate gray. It suits her, he thinks, shows more of her depth now she’s got some of her gloss rubbed off. She’s sharper now, more watchful. She says less and sees more. The weight on her shoulders makes her stand taller and she’s prettier now that you can see her strength. She’s sad though. He wishes it hadn’t come at that kind of price.

And Rae… Rae’s turned the deepest of purples, the palest blush of pink. The richest of them, with her bold, upturned laugh and carelessly flashing glances. The finest too, fragile and delicate and rare. Her smiles are soft and open and warm enough to spite the season. She’s so pretty in the winter, he finds it nearly impossible to look away. When she enters the room, even time itself slows and exhales to savor the bright circles of pink that glaze her cheeks and nose, the strands of her hair that float miraculously around her when she tugs off her hat.

Her sweaters are snugger than her t-shirts of seasons past, her skirts somehow impossibly shorter. She’s got a vast array of tights, all different patterns and textures, some knobbly and ridged, thick scratchy wool that he cannot understand how she tolerates. Others are so fine and smooth that it’s hard to draw his fingers away, hard not to pretend he’s slipping over her very skin. Her hair is longer now, another temptation for his hands, and she wears it in great sweeps over her shoulder, in a curtain across her back when she walks in front of him. She’s a feast of contrasts, fuzzy and smooth, pale and dark.

He loves to look at her. Loves to touch her. Loves her, period.

Normally, he’d catch that thought before it slipped through, tuck it back and safe. But he hasn’t seen her in over a week and the nicotine is singing through his blood and he’s just looking. Looking is safe. Thinking is safe.

“God, you’re pathetic.” Chop says, cuffing him on the shoulder as he takes the seat beside him. “I can’t believe I never noticed before how obsessed with her you are. Clearly, I’ve been distracted with my girl.”

Chop’s wearing a Santa hat, crooked from where Izzy had been tugging at it. Finn’s got his own smashed beneath his thigh, safely out of view. If Izzy sees, hell, if any of them sees, they’ll make him put it on again. Fortunately the girls have gone for another mysterious conference in the toilets and Archie is busy chatting up a bloke on the other side of the room.

“Piss off.” Finn growls, grinding the end of his cigarette into the ash tray. “It’s not obvious. And you promised you wouldn’t talk about it, you twat.”

“Just talk to her. C’mon lad, grow a pair.” Chop’s pep talks are always so useful, full of equal parts humiliation and condescension. “It’s not that hard. You could be living in bliss, like me and Izzy. Just think about that.”

Finn groans and rubs a hand over his face. “It’s the beginning of the end, telling you, isn’t it? You can’t ever keep that sodding mouth shut, can you?”

“I’m just saying, it’s Christmas. You never know, maybe you’re what she’s asking Santa for?” He tries to wag his eyebrows, but ends up shaking his whole head instead. The pom-pom at the end of his cheap felt hat shakes merrily.

“I never should have told you. I should have just kept that present. Or given it to her myself. Or returned it, for fucks sake.” He shifts in his chair, turning his lament into a plea. She can’t find out. Not ever. Especially not from Chop. “Please, mate. You promised you wouldn’t say anything.”

Chop holds his hands up in front of him, eyes wide and innocent. “I’m not saying a thing. Mums the word, Finny. I just think…”

“I hate it when you call me Finny. That’s the worst part of you and Izzy dating, you know? And I’ve seen some things I can’t unsee no matter how hard I try.”

The girls are coming back from the bathroom now, emerging from the hall laughing. The world obligingly slows again so he can appreciate that particular smile and the bounce of her hair, among other things. A sigh might have escaped him, it’s hard to say exactly, but either way, Chop’s laughter is totally unwarranted.

“I’m telling you, Finny, just give it a shot.” He’s saying, and the world lurches back into normal time with a zipping sound. The girls are suddenly at the table.

“Give what a shot?” Izzy asks, hand curling over Chop’s shoulder as she slides onto his lap.

“Nothing.” Finn retorts, too quick. A blush spreads up his neck and he takes a hasty gulp of his beer to cover it.

Rae doesn’t miss it though, she never does. She gives him a curious and knowing grin, one eyebrow arching supremely. “You getting some pointers, Finn? It’s been a while since I’ve seen you with a girl. Maybe all your old moves are tired now?”

He wants to snipe back, to have some clever witty retort at hand the way Archie would. But he’s not fast on his toes like Archie, not almost cruelly quick the way she is, so he just narrows a scowl at her and finishes his drink. She raises the other eyebrow in victory.

Her lips are really pink today, he notices. Is she wearing lipstick, or is this another gift of her season? He tugs at the collar of his sweater. It’s so warm and close in the pub. The girls share some kind of look that he can’t interpret but finds vaguely threatening.

Archie slides onto the bench besides Rae and grabs at a glass on the table for a hasty drink. It’s not his, Finn doesn’t think, but it doesn’t seem to matter. Rae pats him on the back and he turns to give her a long look, pushing his glasses up with one hand. Finn tries not to be jealous. Really, he does. He knows there’s nothing going on there, he’s always known that.

Except, there’s definitely something going on there. Something he’s not a part of, something he can’t have with either of them. It’s not romantic, or at least not sexual, but it’s something.

He wants all Rae’s somethings.

It’s definitely time for more drinks. “Right, another round? My shout.” He offers, rising to his feet.

Chloe shoots him one of her new hawk-eyed glares, her forefinger pointed imperiously at his chest. “Don’t you dare.”

“What?” He asks, but he’s already lowering himself back into his seat. Winter Chloe is a little bit scary when she wants to be. Actually, that’s year round Chloe.

“Now that we’re all here, all together, I think we should do presents. Did everyone remember?” Chloe pulls a smallish gift bag from under her chair, and there’s a general murmuring as the gang grumbles and bends to retrieve packages.

“Chloe, do we have to do this here?” Rae asks, something tight coloring her tone. He allows himself to look up at her.

“Yes, we do.” Chloe shoots back primly, then reaches across the table to hand the bag to Izzy. “Merry Christmas, Izzy. I hope you like it.”

Izzy makes a delighted noise that makes them all laugh, then pulls something green and sparkly and indistinguishable from the bag in a flurry of tissue paper. Finn’s got no earthly idea what it is, but it seems to thrill Izzy, who squeals and coos and jumps up to hug Chloe. There’s whispering and smiles and happiness, and he can’t help but glance over to Rae. She grins at the girls, then leans over to mutter something to Archie.

When she’s squeezed Chloe enough, Izzy pulls out a square of silver paper from beneath the table. She turns it towards Finn so the big red bow on the front faces him. “I got you, Finny.” She grins, wide and toothy, bending to press a kiss to his cheek. “Merry Christmas.”

He’s blushing again, but this time he doesn’t mind. He takes the gift from her, and as soon as he touches it, he knows it’s a record. He reaches to squeeze her hand before she returns to her perch on Chop’s lap. He likes this part of Christmas almost the best, right before you open a present, when you know that whatever you’re holding was chosen for you, wrapped up for you, wanted for you. He fingers the bow and gives Izzy another smile.

“Oh, get on with it!” Chop grunts. “You shoulda let him buy more drinks before we did Secret Santa, Chlo. I forgot all about fussy Finn who doesn’t like to rip the paper. We might be here all night.”

“Leave him be!” Archie cries from the other side of the table. “He likes to save it for his scrapbooks, Chopper! It’s no good if it’s torn!”

They all laugh and he takes another moment to glare at them before deliberately tearing straight down the front of the package. For a moment, his eyes catch on Rae’s the way they sometimes do, but then he sees what he’s holding and he forgets all about it.

“Iz, is this?” He rips off the rest of the paper and reverently lifts the red vinyl from its sleeve. It’s beautiful. “Oh, Izzy. Where did you even find this? I’ve been looking for it for over a year!”

She’s beaming when he looks up at her, clearly pleased that he likes it. “I was at Town one day, just looking around, and there it was. Just like that.” She snaps. “Meant to be.”

He shakes his head in wonder, then jumps up to tug her into his own rough, lingering hug. “Thank you, it’s perfect. I can’t even believe it.” He whispers into her ear.

“You’re welcome.” She laughs back, her breath gusting against his ear. “Love you, Finny.”

“You too, Iz.” He squeezes tighter.

“Alright, alright.” Chop grumbles, shoving Finn away so he can hold grabby hands out to the table. “My turn now, who’s got me?”

Finn glances around the table questioningly, only to meet five sets of eyes all doing the same. Well, four. One pair is gleaming with mischief. He has to turn his face to the table to avoid giving it away with his grin.

“Shit, maybe we forgot to put you in? Anybody have Chop?” Rae asks, an oversized wince slashing her mouth. A chorus of no’s sounds around the table and her eyebrows pull up and in, her bottom lip popping out. She’s adorable, and he could care less that anyone in the world might see him looking. Even Rae, who cuts her eyes towards him for a second before returning them to Chop. “Sorry, Chopper. Guess we’ll just have to owe you one.”

“Well, that’s fucking rich!” Chop crows, his whole body bouncing up from his seat in dismay. Izzy moves to sit on the other side of Archie.

Rae’s grin can’t be contained anymore; it’s rushing out to fill her whole face. “Just kidding!” She laughs, holding up a large gift bag.

“I told you, Rae,” Izzy says at Chop’s scowl, “you can’t mess with Chop about presents." 

His scowl is quickly replaced with a whoop of amusement when he pulls a beer helmet out of the bag. There’s a scramble for cups, several drinks disgustingly being poured together into a crazy cocktail of booze, but Chop lets out a big mmmm after he takes the first sip, and then they all have to pass it around to be tried. The huge plastic dome comes down over Izzy’s eyes and Archie speculates about new drinking games that might be possible now. Rae laughs and gets pink cheeked when she’s congratulated on choosing the perfect gift, and he and Izzy share a brief look when Chop plants a big smacking kiss right on Rae’s mouth.

"You taste disgusting!” Rae laughs, wiping a hand over her mouth. “How on earth are you drinking that shit?”

She’s smiling, they’re all smiling, but after they’ve moved on and Chloe’s opening her present from Archie, she turns and smiles right at him. For him. Their table is noisy and boisterous, a riot of laughter and commotion, but for a second, it’s just the two of them and everything stills around that smile. It’s private but not secret, affectionate and… happy. Rae is happy and it’s directed at him and he’s got the present feeling all over again. A swell of warmth washes bright and almost painful in his chest, and he finds himself thinking that maybe Chop is right. Maybe he should tell her.

“You’ve got Archie, right?” Chop’s elbowing him. “Finn?”

“Yeah. Here you go, Arch. Merry Christmas, mate.” Finn hands over the gift, wrapped neatly and tied with real ribbon, courtesy of his Dad.

Archie unwraps the books of guitar tab and grins up at Finn, then shows them to the table. “I guess now I’ll have no excuse not to play Champagne Supernova at the next open mic night.”

“That’s right!” Chop cheers.

“Or Underwear, eh, Rae?”

Rae laughs and pulls the book from his hands, flips through it. After a minute, she looks up and smiles at Finn again. It’s different this time, but still good. “Alright, this is pretty cool.” She concedes, then raises her shoulders. “I’m definitely the winner though. I brought the best gift.”

“Well, hang on!” Chloe interjects. “You haven’t opened one yet, Rae. Chop, you got her, right?”

“I did.” Chop’s face contorts into a pinched smile. "And I’m not even going to pretend I forgot, unlike some people. Some rude people.“ He reaches into the back pocket of his jeans and pulls out a small box wrapped in crumpled blue paper. 

Time seems to slow again as Chop reaches across the table to hand over the box. Finn wants to look away, but it’s like a car crash and he’s riveted. His heart thumps heavily in his chest, though he’s not even sure why. It’s fine this way, she won’t know. He tries to will away the flush that’s spreading up the back of his neck before it reaches his ears, but it’s not working. Maybe they’ll just think it’s overly warm in here. It is overly warm in here.

"What is it?” Rae holds the box up to her ear and shakes it, eyes big and brilliant. Finn works on breathing normally.

“Open it, you silly moo.” Chloe chuckles. He wants to look over at her, because she sounds happy, but his eyes are fixed on Rae.

She peels the paper away slowly, and he understands why Chop might find his reticence to rip into gifts annoying. When she sees the blue velvet box, she glances up at Chop in surprise. He juts his chin at her so she’ll go on. She opens the box slowly too, the creak of the hinge an audible noise. It seems like there’s a hush, though if he thinks about it, Chloe and Izzy are still talking and the pub noises are a wall around them. It’s just him, he knows, but there’s quiet and he can hear her small intake of breath as she reaches a finger to touch the pendant nestled there in the velvet. He can’t tell when she raises her eyes back to Chop, doesn’t know what it means when she asks softly, “You picked this? For me?" 

Maybe it’s not just him in the hush, because Chop is silent for once and just nods in reply. 

"It’s beautiful.” She exhales the word, and he can feel the loosening of his own lungs in response. He can’t help but smile a little- she does like it- but she’s showing the box to Archie beside her, so she doesn’t notice. Then she’s leaning across Archie to show it to Izzy and Chloe, who coo in response. She doesn’t show it to him, but he doesn’t need to see to know it’s a gold star set with a tiny green gem on a sparkling filigree chain. Rae’s smile is so beautiful it hurts.

“You like it?” Chop asks, and Finn feels a stab of annoyance at the pleasure in his tone. 

“I love it.” Rae replies seriously, then, “Archie, help me put it on." 

She tugs it from the box and hands it to Arch, then sweeps her hair off her neck so he can fasten the clasp. Finn watches with tight eyes as Archie reaches around Rae, as he leans into the exposed skin at her nape, as his fingers pat the necklace once it’s in place. Finn can’t imagine what his face is doing, but Archie glances up and raises an eyebrow at him, so it must be doing something. He looks down, busies himself with lighting another cigarette. Rae is moving around the table, but he doesn’t let himself watch her thank-you hug, tries not to hear her mumble to his friend, "No one’s ever given me anything like this. Thank you.”

Why had he thought this was a good idea? That thank you rightfully belongs to him. That hug, those glittering awed eyes, that intake of breath. That tender clasping and bared neck.

“Yeah, no one’s ever given me anything like that either.” Izzy huffs, and Finn looks up in time to see her leaning back in her chair, arms crossed over her chest. “How come you didn’t give me a necklace?”

“Ah Iz, don’t be mad. I gave you the gift that keeps on giving.” Grin maniacally wide, Chop gestures to his lap and slurps at the straw connected to his beer helmet.

“What?! You’re only supposed to get the one gift! That’s the whole point of secret Santa!” Chloe scolds, glancing between the two of them.

“She’s my girlfriend! It’s not like I had a choice!” He shoots back, throwing a hand in the air.

“Well, if that’s how it is…“ Izzy’s eyes are full of tears, but her back is straight and her jaw is set. They’re going to break up again, Finn can feel the sizzle of the air, like lightning is just about to hit. "I don’t have to be your stupid girlfriend, now do I! I didn’t know it was such an inconvenience to you!” She pushes her way out of the booth and storms off towards the back hallway.

“Iz, don’t be like that!” Chop calls after her, then turns to direct a murderous glare at Finn. “Great, just great!” He grumps, then lopes off after Izzy.

“Nobody else bought any extra gifts, did they?” Chloe demands, squinting up at them scarily. They’re quick to dissent. “You’re supposed to stick to the name you had.”

“Does it really matter, Chlo?” Rae is gentle, and when he looks over, she’s fingering the charm on her necklace.

When Chloe shakes her head and replies, he can see where she’s worn thin, where the sadness lies beneath her shell. He wonders again exactly what happened; Rae’d brushed him off every time he’d asked.

“It’s just…” She looks away, hand waving as she struggles for the words. “The whole point of secret Santa was to make sure no one felt left out or weird or lonely just because they’re not dating someone. It makes it even, you know?”

Archie gives her a bewildered look. “We’re all single, Chlo. None of us are dating, except Chop and Izzy.”

“Yeah, but… You know what I mean.” She looks down, and Rae gets up from the bench and comes around the table to take Chop’s vacated chair.

“I know what you mean.” Rae puts a hand over Chloe’s, and just like that he’s intruding. It’s been happening a lot over the last week or so, the two of them becoming closed to the rest of them without notice.

“Okay, time for another round.” He stands, but hunches over, hands flat on the table. “You girls want another drink?”

Rae looks up at him, a broad, thankful grin brightening her face. She touches the necklace again. “Does the pope shit in a hat?”

Archie slides off the bench and pats her on the shoulder. “That one’s never going to work, Rae. It doesn’t even make sense. Give it up.”

“I’ll do that, Uncle Archie.” She shoots back, and Finn laughs out loud as he heads to the bar. He loves when they’re like this, bright and fast and snarky. He can practically feel the envy of the others in the bar. Who wouldn’t want to be one of them?

It’s so much Rae, he knows. They were fun before, laughing and causing mischief, but it was in the little boy way- pranks and gross jokes and one-upping each other. It wasn’t until she joined the gang that they became movie golden like this.

Archie sidles up beside him as he gives Davey, the barman, the order and leans an elbow on the bar. “Well, I think I’ve finally done it, mate. I’ve found one.”

“What’re you on about?”

Archie jerks his chin, and Finn follows his gaze to a short, stocky lad with a shock of wavy blond hair, thick rimmed glasses and a thick, wooly sweater. He looks coyly up from beneath his glasses and bites his lip when he notices Archie watching.

“I knew there had to be at least one other gay boy in Stamford, and I think I’ve found him. Finally.” Archie grins and the lad flushes and looks at the floor.

“Do you think your glasses will clink together when you kiss?” Finn wonders aloud, picking up the first glass set before him and taking a long sip.

Archie blinks for a moment, straightening out of his leonine lean. “It hadn’t occurred to me, but thanks for giving me something else to worry about. Because I wasn’t nervous enough already.”

“Don’t worry, mate.” Finn laughs. “I’m sure he’s going to like you. How could anyone not like you? You’ll be fine.”

“Right, well.” Archie says, snatching two of the drinks and raising his eyebrows at Finn. “No sense wasting time here with you. You’re not going to snog me.”

“’Fraid not.” Finn shakes his head sadly. Archie pushes his glasses back with one hand, still holding a full pint, a teasing smile widening his eyes. Finn pats him on the back heavily, but Archie still manages to hold the drinks straight without spilling. He’s a marvel, really. “Good luck.”

Archie slips through the crowd easily, and while Davey brings replacement drinks for the ones Archie’s taken, Finn leans back and does what he does best, watches. Archie tries to slant a hand on the wall a little behind the gay lad’s head, a good move Finn’s used a time or two, but he gets nervous and chickens out halfway through, turning it into a stretch. Archie shoots an uncomfortable look his way and Finn gives him a thumbs up.

The girls are still deep in their little bubble when he delivers the drinks, hunched over and whispering. There’s an air of carefulness about them that’s new, a softness in the way they talk to each other. He decides to slip away, off to the jukebox or the group of lads from footie that waved earlier. He puts the tray down on the overcrowded table without saying anything, but just as he’s turning to leave, Rae puts a hand on his forearm and smiles up at him.

His heart lurches. He wants so much to push back her hair and cup her cheek, have her lean in to his touch, eyes fluttering shut. But before he can even react, she’s turned back to Chloe, and he wanders off.

He’s only barely gotten through the where-you-been’s and the it’s-been-ages when Izzy comes storming in and tugs on his arm. She’s damp, bright pink, and angry. She’s almost steaming, her fury seeming to evaporate the water still on her skin.

“You okay, Iz?” He questions stupidly as she hauls him to a back corner of the pub. “Is it snowing?”

She positions him against the wall with a hand in the center of his chest, eyebrows drawn down in annoyance. “Don’t move. Stay right there.”

“Iz?”

She scowls at him, eyes narrowed. She fists her hands, points a finger at his chest. “Do. Not. Move.”

“Okay!” He shoots back, hands raised in surrender. She’s always volatile after one of her and Chop’s breakups, and he doesn’t want it directed at him. “I’m not moving.”

She stalks off again, and he loses her amongst the bodies milling around. It’s not until he notices Rae weaving through the crowd that he sees her again. Izzy tugs Rae into his same corner and positions her like she had with him, one hand on each shoulder. She moves Rae right up against him, only barely not touching. When Rae takes an automatic step back, Izzy makes an audible huff and repositions her where she was.

“Right there. Right there!” She demands once Rae has resumed her previous position. “Now don’t move.”

Rae gives him a wide-eyed, bewildered look, and he shrugs in response. He’s got no idea what’s going on. She turns her head back towards Izzy before he does, but he follows quick enough that Izzy probably won’t notice.

“What’s going on, Iz?” She asks, cocking her head. “Is everything okay? Did you and Chop, er, figure it out?”

Izzy purses her lips, stands up totally straight, crosses her arms beneath her breasts. He feels a flicker of worry when she raises her chin and fixes her gaze on him.

“Finn, Rae picked out that record for you. She told me she’s been looking for it at Town every week for months because she knew you wanted it, and she only gave it to me to give to you because of Chloe and this ridiculous Secret Santa!”

“Izzy!” Rae gasps, deliberately not looking at him, though he’s sure she can feel him staring. Rae’d picked it out for him? He’d only mentioned it once, but of course she’d remember. Of course. God, he wants to touch her.

But Izzy’s not done yet.

“Rae, do you really think Chop picked out that necklace? My Chop? He wouldn’t know a necklace from a shoe string. Finn picked it out for you.”

He can feel the blood creeping into his cheeks and his ears are already red. He wants to glare at Izzy, but Rae’s looking at him now and he’s finding it hard to look away from her pink cheeks and bright eyes.

“You picked it out?” Rae whispers, fingers drifting up to touch the gold star again.

“And paid for it.” Izzy offers helpfully. This time he does shoot her a nasty grimace.

“Why would you do that?” Rae’s head is cocked and she’s looking at him as if he’s an entirely different person. He can’t read her expression, can’t see beyond how pretty she looks just then to even guess at what’s going on in her head.

He rubs the back of his neck, shrugs helplessly. He has to look at the floor in order to get the words out, but he can feel her stare just the same. “I just… It… I dunno, looked like you. I wanted you to have it. Doesn’t matter who it comes from.”

Rae bites her fingernail, eyebrows together while she considers this. The air doesn’t seem to be working right, because his lungs don’t want to cooperate with the rest of his body. They feel both leaden and empty and so swollen that he can’t keep his feet on the ground. Then it happens again, that thing where they lock eyes and the world stops and it’s just the two of them and does she know? Is this the last time she’ll look at him like this, like they’re still them? Her arm sways a tiny bit at her side and he has the sudden thought that she’s going to touch him.

“Enough is enough!” Izzy stomps her foot, and the almost moment pops. “The two of you need to get your heads out of your arses for five damn minutes and look around you! Why do you think he really bought that Rae, huh? Why did you spend ages tracking down the perfect gift for him?”

“Izzy…” Finn starts to take a step towards her, needing a break from the moment, a little space to get himself back together.

“No!” She barks back. “I mean it! Enough is enough. The two of you are in love with each other and you’re both too idiotic to do anything about it and it’s Christmas! You are standing under the mistletoe and none of us are leaving until the two of you get on with it!”

He’s stunned, frozen staring at Izzy. He’s not sure whether to feel horrified or elated. He’s stuck on those words, in love. In love. Now she knows.

He’s pictured the moment when he’d tell her, pictured her pitying face and her radiant smile. In a thousand iterations, she’s fallen into his arms and in a thousand more she’s refused to speak to him ever again. He could never settle on one, never know his unknowable Rae enough to be certain which way it would go. The uncertainty is paralyzing, even now.

The world goes slow motion again as he turns to face her, turns to face the answer he’s avoided for months. She’s a revelation in parts; first her flushed cheeks, then her parted lips, then her glittering eyes.

She’s so beautiful and so inscrutable, and all he can say is, “No.”

Rae blinks, one big one and then a whole series of little ones. Instinctively, he reaches out and grabs her wrist. He meets her gaze, steady even as the world feels like it might be unraveling.

He can hear Izzy talking, but he can’t look away from Rae. Her eyes are bottomless, but somehow he feels like he’s right on the cusp of an answer. The answer. The only answer that’s every mattered, and his heart is beating hard because he thinks it might be yes.

“No yourself!” Izzy’s voice is still low, but it definitely has a shrieky quality to it. Rae hasn’t said a word. “You can’t possibly stand there and tell me you don’t want to kiss her, Finn Nelson! That is total bollocks!”

“No, I do.” He interjects hastily. His hand slips up Rae’s arm, over her elbow, inching closer to the place it’s always wanted to go. He tries again, this time just for Rae. “I do. I… I am.”

Rae’s face is still blank for a long, interminable minute, a minute where his heart beats itself nearly out of his chest and his fingers finally find their way to the satin sweep of her hair. Then her lips curl up in the smallest, most private and most gorgeous smile he’s ever seen. She doesn’t step closer, but suddenly she is closer and her hand is on his bicep and oh God he might die from happiness before he ever even gets to kiss her.

“Just not like this.” He pleads, ducking his head a little to better meet her eyes. “Not with Izzy standing there watching. Not because of mistletoe.”

“But you do want to kiss me?” Rae asks, and her lips curl up even further. She’s blushing more now, and he finally finally lets his thumb brush over her cheekbone the way he’s wanted to every single day. He has to force his eyes not to flutter shut.

“Yeah. Yes. Of course I do.” He fumbles. His other arm is wrapped around her now, and he doesn’t remember how it got there, but Rae doesn’t seem to mind.

“Me too.” She whispers, her fingers sliding over the skin just above his collar. Chills race through him, and then they’re closer still and everything is drawn out and lingering and his fingers flex against her back.

“Yeah?” He breathes. Her eyes are huge and full when she nods. There’s a little tug as her hand finds its way into his hair, and he’s cupping her cheek and suddenly he knows with absolute certainty that he’s going to kiss her. He takes a half step backwards, builds a little space between them and offers her a shaky smile instead. “Okay then.”

“Okay?” Rae repeats, befuddled and breathless. She removes her hand from the back of his head and he feels the loss all over.

He cuts his eyes toward Izzy, who is now grinning victoriously as she watches them. “We’re definitely going to do that.” He says, soft but emphatic. It’s very important that she knows this isn’t done, just on pause.

“So kiss!” Izzy demands, voice high and agitated. “You got a necklace and you’re standing under mistletoe, now kiss! It’s Christmas!”

Rae chuckles softly, and he’s still got an arm around her and he can feel her laughter from both sides and it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

“I’m serious, guys. You two are going to be all in love and stuff now and it’s all thanks to me. We are not leaving here until you kiss.” Izzy’s practically vibrating, crossing and uncrossing her arms over and over again. He wonders if she and Chop actually broke up for a bit, if he needs to take this threat seriously.

Rae laughs, then turns her smile to him, and it’s so much that he touches her cheek again. She’s so blindingly, hopefully happy and there’s something new and overwhelming in his chest. And then she turns her face just a bit, leans into his touch, and he’s almost choking on the joy.

Rae reaches up to put her hand on his wrist, pulls it gently from her face, and then she leans in and kisses his cheek. It goes on forever, her lips against his skin, her hair brushing against his neck, the sweet apple scent of her engulfing him. He closes his eyes, dizziness spinning though him.

After a while, she pulls back, then moves away until they’re not one huddle of people anymore, but two distinct beings. Finn looks down at his useless arm, limp at his side.

“Is that good enough?” Rae asks Izzy, teasing and playful.

Izzy cocks an eyebrow and a hip, examines them for a moment. She rolls her eyes “That’s as good as I’m gonna get, huh?” Rae only shrugs in reply. “I guess it will do.”

In a burst of motion, Rae sweeps Izzy into a massive hug. Izzy splutters a surprised giggle and pats Rae on the back. When Rae lets go, Izzy shakes her head at them, mouth twisting from side to side in amusement.

“I guess I should let you guys, uh… talk.” She wiggles her eyebrows.

“Thanks, Iz.” He offers as she starts to walk off. She turns, walking backwards, to narrow her eyes at him and shake a finger threateningly.

“You owe me, Finny. I expect you to take Chop shopping.”

He laughs, and then Izzy disappears into the crowd, and it’s just him and Rae in this room full of people. She shuffles a bit, leaning her weight on one foot and then the other.

“Now what?” Rae asks. She crosses an arm over her chest to grab at her elbow, and it occurs to him that Rae wants to kiss him and that maybe she’s nervous about it. Once more, the pub seems too warm, too crowded, too close.

“Do you want to take a walk, maybe?” He’s shifting his own feet, weirdly shy. It’s him and Rae, but in this new, huge capacity, and he’s not sure exactly how to act.

“Okay.” She smiles at her feet, and they walk together back to the table to collect coats and gifts. Archie’s there on the bench seat, twined up with the glasses boy, snogging furiously. He doesn’t even look up when they approach, doesn’t seem to notice them at all. Finn and Rae share an amused look, but when their eyes meet, the knowledge that they’re on their way to do that same thing seems to hit them both, and they look away swiftly. He’s blushing again, all the way up the back of his neck and over his ears. It’s going to be so nice to be out in the cold.

Chloe’s gone, Chop and Izzy nowhere to be found, so Finn collects his record- from Rae- and they head out the front door. They stop by his car to drop off his gift, and when he closes the door, she’s close again and smiling. He might kiss her right here in the parking lot, he thinks, but then a bladdered kid stumbles out the front door and proceeds to take a piss against the wall. Rae makes an oversized grimace, and he wonders if he’s allowed to touch her face whenever he wants now.

Probably he should kiss her first, before he starts trying to feel all her expressions.

So instead, he takes her hand and they walk. It’s a little weird, but he thinks it’s mostly because they’re in the almost and not because them being together is weird. It’s pretty late and the streets are quiet once they get away from the pub, but the Christmas lights are on above the shops and it’s only barely snowing, and all and all, it’s kind of romantic, strolling through the crisp winter night holding Rae’s hand.

They don’t talk, and they’re not really going anywhere. After a bit, Rae tugs him to a stop. “Are we waiting for something in particular? A moment or something?”

Her breath gusts white clouds and her cheeks are so cold that he can see the bright spots of pink even in the dim light from the lamppost on the other side of the street. It’s snowing just a tiny bit, the kind of snow that melts before it even hits the ground, and the moisture is catching in her hair.

“Maybe.” He shrugs, then reaches to run a hand over her hair. “Are you cold? You’re not wearing your hat.”

“I forgot it.” She takes a step closer until he can feel her shivering. He runs his hands briskly over her arms, trying to warm her up.

“Here, wear mine.” He pulls his hat from the pocket of his coat and carefully tugs it down over her head. He lets his hands linger over her ears, then her cheeks, then down a little over her neck.

Her eyes get all shiny and bright again. She smiles, and then her lips part. Her hands move up the front of his coat, over his chest, and of all the things he’s imagined for them, he’d never come close to getting this right.

Her fingers come up to touch his cheek and he hisses, chuckles in surprise. “Your hands are freezing!”

She tries to pull her fingers away, but he catches them between his palms and brings them to his lips, blows hot breath onto her icy hands. He rubs them between his palms, blows again. His lips brush her fingers when he lifts them to mouth, and their eyes snag together and hold. It’s just them again, and in his head the snow swirls around them like a movie, and his chest gets that thing he can’t quite describe.

“Finn?” She’s whispering, but he understands, because right now even sound would be intrusive.

“Yeah?”

“I think we’re having a moment.”

He laughs in surprise, and when she smiles, that’s it, that’s the one he’s been waiting for. He drops her hands and swoops her up in his arms. He presses his fingertips to her cheek and moves so close that he can barely see her anymore and she’s just the impression of stars and snow.

And then he kisses her, slow and sweet and with just a hint of laughter around the edges. Rae makes a tiny sound, an ‘oh’ of delight, and now that’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him. Her arms wrap around his neck and her fingers aren’t so freezing against his skin this time, or maybe he’s just too busy to notice. He lets his hand drift into her hair, savors the glide of his thumb along her cheek as he kisses her, smiles even as his lips move over hers.

The kiss tapers off, but he keeps her close, noses and foreheads still pressed together. The world is shifting again, and he needs a second just to hold on to her, to stay still while things resettle.

“Whoa.” Rae breathes against him, and then they’re kissing again, and this one’s a different kind of kiss and instead of warmth building in his chest, now it’s building everywhere. His hand tightens against her back, pulling her closer, and now both of her hands are on his face and no part of him is cold anymore. He breaks away, panting. It’s too much, too fast. His brain might actually explode if he gets everything he’s ever wanted in one night.

It’s his turn this time. “Whoa.” He mutters.

Rae smiles and so he presses one more gentle kiss to her lips and takes a step back. She lets him back up, but twines her arm through his and rests her forehead against his bicep. It’s new, this particular affection. He has to clear his throat when he considers all the new things they’re going to have now, all the new things he’s wanted and never thought he could have.

“We definitely couldn’t have done that in front of Izzy.” Rae chuckles, her words muffled by the fabric of his coat.

He shifts so that he can put his arm around her, so he can lean in and kiss the top of her head. Rae reaches up and touches her necklace. They walk again, slow and meandering, with no place to be but this.


End file.
